Breastfeeding while WHAT?!

WARNING:  This post is TMI.  And if it wasn't so funny I wouldn't post it.  But it is funny so here it goes.  If you are male you might want to skip this one.  Especially if you are related to me.  ;)



You were warned!


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Phew!  We're home.  Finally.  What was supposed to be a quick retest from my annual appointment turned into an hour wait with the girls in the doctor's office.  Which led into lunchtime and nap time.  But it was supposed to be quick.  In and Out.  So not quick.

I'll start at the beginning.  A letter came in the mail with three boxes that could be checked:
1.  Test is normal, repeat in 1 year.
2.  Test is not normal, call to schedule a follow up test.
3.  Call the office to discuss test results.

My paper has box 3 checked.  Immediately my mind goes to cancer.  I've mentioned I'm a bit of a hypochondriac before, right?  Well here it is in full swing.  Not just cancer, but cancer so bad they already know it's cancer and don't even need to retest!

So my heart is racing all the way from the mail box back up to the house.  I call the office and the receptionist pauses.  She tells me to hold while she grabs a nurse to discuss my results.  Again, I'm thinking it's definitely cancer.  Why else would she have paused the way she did?

The nurse comes on the line and says, "Well it's not bad..."  {ok, it's just a little cancer} "but it's not good either.  There weren't enough cells swabbed so we have to repeat the test."  {hooray!  no cancer...WHAT?!}

I schedule the retest for a week later at 11:15am.  Stupid, I know.  Cutting close to naps and lunch but the nurse tells me a nurse practitioner can perform the test and it's "in and out, no big deal."  Fine.  Nonna is still semi-laid up from her back so I'll be going with both girls by myself.  No biggie, moms must do this all the time.

We pull into the parking lot during a torrential down pour and have to park far away.  Now I must have been to this office 20 times in the past year and I have never not gotten a parking spot right in front of the door.  I should have known something was off and just turned around and went home before I got the three of us completely drenched.

But we walk in - all wet - and the receptionist tells me that Dr. M is at the hospital delivering a baby.

Awww!  She's at the hospital helping to bring a life into the world.  At the same hospital where Madeline was born.  Isn't that...wait.  Hold up.  If Dr. M is at the hospital that means she's not here.  I'm 10 minutes early for my 'in and out appointment' with no doctor. 

Then I remember it's ok!  A nurse practitioner can do this, I don't need a doctor!  The receptionist disappears for a quick sec and is back.  There is no nurse practitioner to perform the test.  I must see a doctor.  Here are my choices:
A.  Leave.  Which might sound like a no brainer but I just dragged the girls out in the rain and we are 20 minutes from home and here.
B.  Wait for Dr. M.  While I love Dr. M and think she is amazing, I don't need to wait all day.  I've had two babies and know that those little babes can take a long time to come into this world!
C.  See whoever can squeeze me in first.

I opt for C because this is a quick 'in and out test', no exam needed.  We'll just park it in front of Harry Potter and the blah blah blah of blah playing on the plasma tv and wait our turn.

Here's a tip for all of the parents out there:  Harry Potter is too scary for a 3 year old. 

We move to the other side of the office and sit next to a great grandma waiting for her granddaughter and great granddaughter to be finished with their lactation consult.  Great Grandma ran into a friend and we got to overhear the entire story.  Great Grandma has had three new great grandchildren in the last five weeks!  Crazy!  And the wonderful Great Grandma she is, she had pics of all of the new babies.

Great Grandma kept me entertained from 11:07 until 11:28 and then she left with her granddaughter and great granddaughter.  During this time Ellie had been playing with Madeline and they are both happy as clams. 

Around 11:31 Ellie starts to loose it.  She's bored and I glance over at the tv and Harry Potter is finito so we head over to that area while the credits are rolling.  Usually they pop in the next movie before the lead rolls names' have appeared on the screen.  But today the are too busy.  So Ellie ponders what movie could be coming next.  Snow White?  Maybe Sleeping Beauty.  Hmmm...I know!  The Little Mermaid!

A lady who was waiting for her daughter to finish her appointment hears Ellie and they get into a long discussion about their favorite Disney Princesses {thank you kind lady!} just about the time Madeline looses it.  Madeline looses it and doesn't get it back.  She is trying to bust out of the umbrella stroller, arching her back and then throwing herself forward.  There is no toy that rattles or lights up that is making her happy.

I run up to the reception desk and tell them clearly we are falling apart over here.  It's been 40 minutes, what's my ETA?  The receptionist says we're next and it should only be a few more minutes.  I ask her to be more specific - 2 or 30?  There's a big difference.  She offers to reschedule me but says it should only be about 10 more tops.  I decide, again, to stick it out.

By now we are sitting on a couch all together.  Ellie has been up since the first light of the sun crept into her room so about 5:15 and it's now almost noon.  Ellie puts her head down on a throw pillow and starts to close her eyes.  Madeline is squawking and loosing her patience by the second.  I can tell by the way she is trying to rip off my dress that she is ready to nurse.

Finally my name is called and we head back to the room.  Silly me, I thought we were almost done.  After what seemed like 25 minutes {probably only 5} of Madeline SCREAMING.  I decide to grab the Udder Cover and let her eat.

I know you know what happens next.  We hear a knock. 

Last call!  THIS IS YOUR LAST CHANCE TO STOP READING BEFORE TMI!




I can't pull Madeline off, that would just be cruel.  And lead to louder screams.

Dr. C says there is no need to pull her off, as long as I can lay down, she can go ahead and do the test while Madeline is nursing.  I said sure!  Why not?  I've flashed a troop of Boy Scouts, nursed at the zoo, truck stops, pumpkin patches, malls and restaurants.  I've breastfed in front of parents, in-laws, friends, neighbors, etc, etc why not nurse during a pap smear?

So I did. 

I think they got all of the cells this time, too, cause it was far less than comfortable.  Dr. C even let us stay in the room as long as we needed for Madeline to finish eating.

While I was finishing up with Maddie, Ellie walked around to the edge of the table where the doctor was standing and said, "Well, what was the doctor looking at?  Put your feet back up there and let me have a peek!"

I told her that's ok, she didn't need a turn 'taking a peek.' 

So then Ellie wanted me to hop down so she could put her own little feet in 'those thingies.'  I explained she was too little and had to be a grown up.  She answered, "Well, I'm growin' everyday and soon I'll be a grown up.  Then I'll get to go to the grown up doctor and get to put my feet in those little thingies." 

Lordy.  I'm hoping we have 20 years before we need to worry about that!

In the car Ellie realized I didn't get a sticker.  She thinks it is "totally not fair" that grown ups don't get stickers at the doctor's office.  I agree.

So here I am, home at last.  A breastfeeding mama with one more notch on her belt.  Maybe I should call the lactation consultant.  In our breastfeeding class there was a mom who nursed in recovery after having her appendix out.  I think I've got her beat.